John Schneider

OnStar’s last gasp (I hope) I’ve reported previously...

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:43:44 -0400

OnStar’s last gasp (I hope)

I’ve reported previously on my relationship with the OnStar folks. They hound me; I ignore them.

That’s the way it’s been since I made the mistake of accepting OnStar’s free trial offer on a recently purchased vehicle. Calls, emails, text messages, letters and, on two memorable occasions, interruptions in the regularly scheduled programming on my car radio- all in a effort to get me to subscribe.

They just can’t take a hint.

Well, on Tuesday I got a “Dear John” letter, via email, from OnStar’s chief operating officer, Terry M. Inch. Our relationship, Inch informed me, has been officially “deactivated.” The note sounded like a restraining order from an estranged spouse:

“This means we cannot respond, and you cannot contact an OnStar Advisor for any reason, including emergencies.

“OnStar can no longer automatically contact help for you in the event of a crash.

“You cannot be connected to an OnStar Advisor for assistance during any emergency, including collisions, severe weather, or other crises.

“If your vehicle is stolen, OnStar will not be able to assist with location or recovery.

“If the keys are locked inside, OnStar cannot unlock the doors remotely for you.”

Etc., etc., etc.

One thing the note DIDN’T say: “As a result of this deactivation, you WILL NOT have another monthly bill to pay.”

Oh, and the note explained how easy it would be to reactivate OnStar should I come to my senses. All would be forgiven.

The enemy from within This handsome long-beard didn’t like...

Tue, 21 May 2013 14:38:30 -0400

The enemy from within

This handsome long-beard didn’t like the looks of the tom staring back at him from my pole barn window, and decided to challenge him to a duel.

It was about 1 p.m. when I heard the racket of turkey beak on glass, and went outside to break up the fight.

It ended in a draw.

What are the odds? Here’s one for the “Life is...

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:23:09 -0400

What are the odds?

Here’s one for the “Life is Funny” files:

On Saturday, just as we were about to head to Detroit for a baby shower, the Traverse’s dashboard tire monitor informed me that there was a tremor in the force - only 15 pounds of air in the front driver’s-side tire.

I examined the tire and found the problem: not one, but two, roofing nails; source unknown.

So, I hustled up to the nearest full-service gas station (thank God a few still exist), and got the holes plugged. We hit the road just slightly behind schedule.

While I was in Detroit, hanging with the guys, the subject of flat tires came up, and we all agreed that they’re relatively rare these days.

We were on the highway, heading home, when - BOOM! - the rear passenger-tire blew. No roofing nail this time, but definitely a hole created by a foreign object.

We limped home, at 55 mph, on the donut (pictured above).

So, as I see it, in one day I used up my flat-tire quota for the next 10 years.

Get out in the kitchen and rattle those pots and pans Sunday,...

Sun, 19 May 2013 11:53:22 -0400

Get out in the kitchen and rattle those pots and pans

Sunday, 5:45 a.m. Just Colin and me. He blows through his toys. The Calico Princess is making herself scarce. The lad gives me a look that says, “Quick! Amuse me before I become unpleasant.”

That’s when I remember one of my mother’s old tricks. I bring the boy into the kitchen, open up the pots-and-pans cupboard, and let him have his way.

Before long he’s surrounded by cookware. Metal on metal. Metal on ceramic tile. Joyful noises.

Tiger by the tail I had a busy Saturday morning chasing special...

Sat, 18 May 2013 08:59:21 -0400

Tiger by the tail

I had a busy Saturday morning chasing special guest star, grandson Colin, who was chasing the cat, who evidently didn’t mind it enough to go and hide somewhere - her customary “fight, or flight” strategy.

The lad will turn 1 next month, and the morning was yet another reminder of why God puts young adults in charge of young children. Non-stop action.

You’d better shop around Consumer advocates are constantly...

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:29:00 -0400

You’d better shop around

Consumer advocates are constantly telling us we should try to find the best deal on insurance, just as we do with plane tickets and gas. But it might be the least heeded advice on the planet.

Why? Because a) getting comparable quotes on insurance premiums is a pain in the neck, and, b) most people think that all insurance companies use the same pair of dice for setting premiums.

Whether it’s worth it or not to shop for insurance depends on your personal tolerance for hassle, but let me report here what I recently learned regarding my homeowner’s insurance.

I’ll say, first of all, that I have no complaints against the company that currently insures my home and cottage. Over the years, we’ve had a few minor claims, and the serviced has been excellent.

I explored a switch only because of an issue that’s too complicated to explain here.

Anyway, my current annual premium on what’s known in the biz as my “primary residence” is $1,063.

The proposal from the prospective insurer (a national TV advertiser with whom my cars are insured): $2,069.

Not even close.

Before and after In a recent blog I described a misadventure...

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:32:23 -0400

Before and after

In a recent blog I described a misadventure involving, two of my brothers, me, a chainsaw, a tree and a Chevrolet Impala.

Well, there’s no point in rehashing the embarrassing details of the incident (if you must dwell on the them, check my May 2 blog).

Anyway, one brother learned that we could order a new hood on line (free delivery!). We had it painted to match the Impala, and installed it Wednesday.

Total bill: $600, two-thirds of which was the paint job. Tuition in the school of hard knocks.

Now open: the all-you-can eat summer buffet A few days ago my...

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:46:49 -0400

Now open: the all-you-can eat summer buffet

A few days ago my motion-detecting trail-cam captured the image of a this winter-weary buck just starting to grow back its antlers.

Although the blood vessels (commonly referred to as “velvet”) that cover the antlers at this stage always make them look thicker than they actually are, I would judge, from the look of the mean beams, that this buck will have a nice rack come fall.

Also, after a few months at the all-you-can-eat summer buffet, he’ll be a lot bigger, as well.

By the way, that square thing he’s going for is what’s left of a mineral block - a combination of salt and other elements. Deer seem to crave them this time of year.

LOOK! … IN THE WEEDS BY THE MAILBOX … ANOTHER PHONE...

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:11:33 -0400

LOOK! … IN THE WEEDS BY THE MAILBOX … ANOTHER PHONE BOOK!

No more pointless complaining about the useless phone books that keep coming … and coming … and coming …

This morning, after bringing in yet another soggy specimen bound for the recycling center, I scoured the Internet and found a site called www.yellowpagesoptout.com, which, theoretically, allows people to stop the madness.

I went through all the steps. I filled out all the boxes. I must admit, however, that I have my doubts that, a) the word will get to people who deliver the books, and, b) they’ll care. I’ll cross my fingers.

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon another website that suggested “six things to do with useless phone books.” Among the options: bullet-proof vest, sleep aid, bookshelf filler, Christmas gift for a naughty kid when a lump of coal isn’t available.

Just in the nick of time I was at the Okemos Meijer store Sunday...

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:06:23 -0400

Just in the nick of time

I was at the Okemos Meijer store Sunday afternoon, and noticed this group of young guys huddled around the Mother’s Day card display.

The thing is, they appeared to be putting some serious effort into finding the right cards.

Better late than never, right?

The onerous task of taking the keys away from an elderly...

Sun, 12 May 2013 10:19:02 -0400

The onerous task of taking the keys away from an elderly parent

My mother’s driving days hit a dead end one October afternoon in her 84th year.

“I was admiring the beautiful autumn leaves when the truck pulled out in front of me,” she told me from her hospital bed. As a matter of fact, the truck hadn’t moved. It was parked.

My column today (Sunday May 12) in Bridge magazine fits my mother’s driving misadventures into the context of a new Michigan law that lets doctors notify the Secretary of State when they lose confidence in their patients’ ability to drive.

The new law is either a threat to your independence, or a perfect solution to the dreaded task of clipping the wings of your elderly parent, depending on your perspective.

You can find the whole story at http://bridgemi.com/2013/05/an-elderly-mother-the-car-keys-and-a-conundrum-for-countless-michigan-families/

A soggy, but successful, morning My Westphalia buddy, Dan...

Sat, 11 May 2013 11:30:16 -0400

A soggy, but successful, morning

My Westphalia buddy, Dan Hengesbach, and his 12-year-old son, Kyle (pictured above) came out to my soggy woods Saturday morning and teamed up on the first tom of their turkey hunting careers.

If you live outside the urban/suburban subdivisions, I don’t have to tell you that wild turkeys are prospering pretty much everywhere beyond where the concrete ends in Michigan.

They are absolutely ubiquitous out here in Alaiedon Township. The coyotes get a few of the chicks every spring, but not enough to put a serious dent in the population.

Are oil-life monitors reliable? My new Chevy Traverse gives me a...

Fri, 10 May 2013 11:33:18 -0400

Are oil-life monitors reliable?

My new Chevy Traverse gives me a running tally on how much “life” is left in it’s oil - 80 percent, 65 percent, 40 precent, etc. As part of the warranty, I get free oil changes for two years, but only when the oil-life monitor’s assessment dips below 15 percent.

Some people say that relying on these monitors can be risky, and that the old-fashioned monitor - the odometer - is still the best way to go.

The website howstuffworks.com offers this: “General Motors estimates that drivers of its oil monitor-equipped vehicles could have two to three times fewer oil changes performed each year. Theoretically, according to GM, if all the GM oil monitor-equipped cars on the road observed the maximum interval for changing oil, instead of the oft-advised every 3,000 miles (4,828 kilometers), it could result in 100 million fewer gallons of oil being consumed annually. Nonetheless, GM still advises changing the oil at least once a year, regardless of how few miles you put on the odometer.”

Everybody seems to agree that changing a vehicle’s oil every 3,000 miles - the recommendation from the quick-oil-change joints - is unnecessary.

Do you have any opinions/experiences regarding oil-change monitors?

A return to my old stomping grounds Beginning today (Thursday,...

Thu, 09 May 2013 10:07:00 -0400

A return to my old stomping grounds

Beginning today (Thursday, May 9), I’ll be contributing regularly to the Lansing State Journal’s Thursday Michigander section - a celebration of all things Michigan, which is right up my alley. Or, as a reader of my former LSJ column once put it, “right up my bailiwick.”

Scene One of my Second Act in the LSJ depicts the reunions taking place all over northern Michigan as people return to their cottages after five or six months of estrangement, during which time the cottages lingered in cryogenic suspension.

Opening the cottage always feels like the official start of summer, even though the snow is barely gone from the land above the 45th Parallel.

You can read the piece in the ink-on-paper LSJ, or at http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/article/20130508/MICHIGANDER/305080064/John-Schneider-Return-cottage-like-seeing-an-old-friend.

As always, your input is welcome.

‘Floriferous springtime glory’ In 2002, the year of...

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:01:25 -0400

‘Floriferous springtime glory’

In 2002, the year of my daughter’s death, we planted this Eastern red bud (Cercis canadensis). Jessica loved the color purple, and we knew this tree would always remind us of her.

We’re not the only ones enchanted by the redbud. Writing for the Chrstian Science Monitor Betty Earl gushed: “If you’ve ever seen a redbud in all of its magnificent, floriferous springtime glory, then you understand why I have been so passionate about this tree.”

It is, indeed, a tree capable of inspiring passion.

Getting it while the getting’s good It’s early May,...

Tue, 07 May 2013 12:47:56 -0400

Getting it while the getting’s good

It’s early May, which means that the asparagus fairy (my neighbor to the south) is busy leaving fresh asparagus in the mailboxes of good little boys and girls. (I know, that’s technically a violation of federal law punishable by who knows what, but for fresh asparagus, it’s worth the risk).

Anyway, my wife and I took a batch to the cottage over the weekend. We steamed it gently and sprinkled it with a little parmesan cheese. Then we ate it alongside some grilled filet mignon. Mint juleps for desert, in honor of the Derby. Heaven!

But I just mowed on Wednesday ... Suddenly it’s here -...

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:37:47 -0400

But I just mowed on Wednesday ...

Suddenly it’s here - that time of year when once-a-week mowings just won’t cut it. After just five days, I’ll be at it again today, or risk the dreaded clogging/clumping that occurs when grass gets too tall and too thick.

It’s this time of year that I have that reoccurring nightmare: I’m on my tractor mowing. The grass is growing as quickly as I can cut it. I’m doomed to stay on my tractor for eternity. I am Sisyphus, but instead of a rock, I have a out-of-control lawn.

Somehow I always forget about lawn-mowing when I pine for spring.

Waiting for a freighter Those adirondack chairs I built last...

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:17:27 -0400

Waiting for a freighter

Those adirondack chairs I built last winter have finally assumed their right place on the shore of Lake Huron.

It kind of reminds you of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” doesn’t it? Except that all three of these chairs are just right.

A sight for sore eyes Here it is - the year’s first...

Sat, 04 May 2013 09:06:39 -0400

A sight for sore eyes

Here it is - the year’s first glimpse of Lake Huron from the porch I built last summer. The first of many, God willing.

The lake appears to have risen a little since last fall - the result, I suppose, of the snowy winter up here.

The cottage seems to have survived hibernation OK. Summer 2013 - here we go.

A lesson in husbandry My lucky stroke in Christmas tree growing...

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:04:27 -0400

A lesson in husbandry

My lucky stroke in Christmas tree growing has been neither the soil, nor the weather, but the fact that I live just down the road from Tannenbaum Farms and the farmer, himself, Mel Koelling.

Koelling, one of the country’s foremost experts on Christmas trees, sold me my first 100 trees, and threw in, at no charge, a million dollars worth of advice.

Every spring since then I’ve made an annual small-potatoes purchase from Mel - mainly just to replace the seedlings that didn’t make it through the first year, and maybe add a few. And always, the guidance in complimentary. Mel even came to house once to give me a personal demonstration in shaping.

On Thursday Mel dropped what he was doing in this busy time of year to let me know, with a phone call, that his seedlings were in from the nursery, in case I needed any. I drove over to Tannenbaum. Naturally, Mel was hard at work, planting. Again, he dropped what he was doing to sell me 12 bucks worth of firs.